That’s a bold statement to make and I don’t say it lightly. I also want to begin this with the utmost respect, sympathy, and condolences for anyone who has lost a loved one – especially a child or spouse. The pain is immeasurable and this entry is NOT to take away from any emotions, pain or trauma of such which you have experienced. It is simply to offer perspective to the devastation a divorce inflicts on those affected.
When my kids and I were abandoned… Hold on. Maybe I should clarify this now, because I have no doubts my website and blog being public will spark some animosity as I tell our story. So let me be clear here:
My sharing of information is not done to “air dirty laundry” or to demean any others. I will, however, tell my side/version of what was lived in hopes to spare others the same pains and traumas. I will attempt to use it for good so at least something positive can come from the catastrophic events. I have no doubts that the opposing side will have his own versions, spins and distortions of the truth. That’s what liars and cheaters do. Harsh? Maybe, but truth. Those who are doing wrong love to project on others and create a discord to villainize the other person/people in an effort to justify their wrongs. I’m a firm believer in the truth ALWAYS comes out. I’ve also ALWAYS been a very transparent individual because I lived a childhood under a family who were all for show. I despised that way of living and vowed never to follow suit. My belief is if you have to hide it, you shouldn’t be doing it. While I’ve become a MUCH more private person, I still believe and live by that belief to this day.
Back to the point of the story… When my kids and I were abandoned, I often had the thoughts of how much worse our circumstances were than death. There were at the very least similarities. I was very closed mouthed about those thoughts, as I didn’t want to seem cold or disrespectful to anyone who had lost a spouse to death. I knew several. But as God orchestrates things in our lives, He orchestrated at different intervals conversations with these people. We would talk about our circumstances and offer support to one another where we could. On more than one occasion I was told by a widow, “I’d rather be in my shoes than yours.” Wow. The magnitude those words lent to me in those moments is indescribable. I wasn’t crazy, after all.
Death offers finality. It offers closure. It usually isn’t your loved one’s choice and sometimes even gives them the opportunity to leave you with parting words of assurance, love, empathy and compassion. When someone chooses to exit your life on their own accord it’s traumatizing, baffling, confusing, devastating. It gives no closure and only more questions. Most often those people have lied to you, played games and lived a farce while they planned their exit. The level of betrayal escalates to magnitude beyond measure. Both come with significant grief for similar reasons, but in a divorce – you’re literally grieving a living person. The pain of their actions lives on with them. It’s never one sting and done. It’s continued stings every time you have to see them or hear their name. If you have to exchange children or property with them, it’s a continued reminder of their choices, their lies, their empty promises and betrayal. It’s the gift no one wants and the one that keeps on giving – time and time again. It’s brutal. It can be, at times, debilitating. It does get easier with time, but doesn’t ever go away. It damages the kids and leaves them knowing their parent chose this action. Even if they know it’s not about them, it still greatly affects them and changes their lives forever. Divorce is usually a very selfish, self centered choice and action with much greater consequences than the surface displays. Death is inevitable. Death is final. They say that grief is measured by love… the deeper the love was, the deeper the grief will be. I found this to be very true, as well. The experience of both death and divorce will change who you are as a person, but the affects of divorce will be far worse and of greater detriment than death for years to come.
Since experiencing our abandonment in December 2019, I’ve had the opportunity to engage in conversation with many different widows. I’ve actually become friends with multiple women who have lost their spouses and a few men here and there who have lost wives. The feelings have been unanimous – losing a spouse to death is much easier than losing one to divorce. Something for anyone who is either in a marriage or is contemplating a marriage to consider. Marriage should never be taken lightly. And divorce should VERY rarely be an option.
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