As I’ve worked on content for my blog and have composed and scheduled a few different entries, I felt compelled to throw this one in here before the others post. I feel like some may read my future entries and have a misconception and take some of the postings I make as being bitter, hard hearted or resentful. So I’d like to address that now.
I’m human so I’m not going to argue that I have my moments and waves of emotions. However, anger isn’t something I’ve ever really experienced over the last few years. If and when I did – it was very, very short lived moments. I’m talking maybe bouts of 10-20 minute bursts and it was gone. Therapist I have worked with, and friends alike, have been amazed that anger just hasn’t been part of the grief stages I’ve seemed to deal with in my journey. I learned a long time ago that bitterness only harms me, not my offender, and serves no good purpose. So I’ve always tried hard not to harbor it.
As I have stated in some of my entries (not sure it that’s one that has posted yet or not) and I will probably state multiple times in the future, I’m a very real and transparent person. I’ve also become very passionate about the damage and destruction that divorce and the selfish, haphazard decisions people make affects others. It’s very difficult to convey the magnitude and depths of what we (my children and I) experienced without that passion coming through. Please don’t confuse my passion for bitterness or hard heartedness. It’s really not there.
As for my feelings for either one of my ex-husbands… once my oldest daughter turned 18, my first husband and I were able to become cordial and have conversations. Even before that time, I didn’t wish him ill or have negative feelings towards him. I’m a firm believer people will eventually show you who they are – good or bad. True colors always come out. I also am in a rare class of believing people can change or at the very least, improve who they are and the way they behave. To this day, we don’t really speak. We now live in different cities and don’t have much reason to do so. This is fine with me and I hope he and his family are doing well.
As for my second ex-husband… the best way to describe my feelings about him is numbness. I don’t wish him ill, either. I actually think if I feel anything for him at all it’s empathy. He had a good life and destroyed it. Financially, we were in a good place for the first time in our married life. That was greatly destroyed. He had a wife who loved him dearly, was loyal to a fault, and was prepared to work through whatever came our way to spend the rest of our days together. That in itself is rare and he threw it away. I’m told he’s no longer with his paramour , and honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t end up spending the rest of his life alone. At the very least, settling. Such a waste. He had kids who craved a deeper relationship with him and waited patiently for him to become more emotionally available to them. It didn’t happen. Instead, they were old enough to watch his actions. They lost any form of respect they had for him. They witnessed him morph into someone none of us knew – nor cared to know. They ultimately chose to disown him due to his choices, actions and hurt he inflicted upon them. It will be up to them if they choose to ever change those circumstances – and while I believe it could happen, I also believe their relationship will never be what it was or could have been in the past. The only thing I’ve encouraged them to do is forgive him, and be true to themselves. And while I’m not one to ever put God in a box and say it’s not possible, I witnessed and experienced first hand the damage that was done. They will never forget.
A wise man whom I still greatly respect once told me, “Tamara, if you no longer care about them, don’t give them your energy.” I can’t begin to tell you how much that has saved me at times when my human traits try to sneak in and harbor ill feelings towards people who have done me wrong. But still people whom I truly no longer have room for in my life. They are not there serving a good purpose – possibly never were or had intentions to do so. So, why give them any room in my life now? We only have so much energy each day to give. Those that love us, value us, fill our love tanks and are worthy are the ones who deserve that energy. So that’s exactly where I direct mine, and it’s the way I intend to live out my remaining time on this earth.
So please understand as you read any of my entries – any passion you may read towards any subject is a passion to help others do better. A passion to save other kids and spouses from the excruciating pain and tragedy my family went through. A longing to take my personal experiences and help someone else do better. A desire to help parents make better decisions, wives to be better wives, and husbands to be better husbands. Sometimes the only way to do that is going to be to share the real, the raw, the ugly of our story.
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