“Celebrating” Divorce

I’ve seen it multiple times throughout my years…. someone who goes through a divorce and has a party, a celebratory dinner, an extravagant trip as a way to “celebrate” the dissolution of their marriage – the feeling of being “free”. Having been through my first divorce (Can I just insert here how I despise having to declare a number to that word?!) and a feeling of solace to be out of the life I had been living with my now ex-husband, there was still a deep sadness in me for many reasons. So, while I understood the feelings of relief for these people, the “celebrations” seemed wrong and so heavy for me.

First, let me expound upon my thoughts from my first divorce. This was a marriage which never should have happened. I was young and coming from an abusive father, whom I didn’t know was even abusive. I mean when it’s all you’ve ever known and you’re not educated on what abuse is, how do you know there is better and the conditions you’re living in are unacceptable? I jumped from the frying pan into the fire with no clue what I was doing. From where I was to where I went, it felt comfortable. With that said, I’m not excusing my own choices. I own responsibility in them, too. Just offering a reflection as to why I made the choices I did, at the time. I’ll save details for my book, but suffice it to say there were warning signs in our dating relationship and marriage never should have been an option. But I was living the dream… I’d found someone who “loved” me and I wanted the house with the white picked fence, the kids, and the American dream. I saw only what I wanted to see in those days. Being a strong empath, I also went in with the horribly misguided notion that I could “help” him. AKA, fix him.

If I’m being honest, the abuse was there before we married. So, of course, it continued after we went through the motions of a beautiful wedding and exchanged our blissful vows. In fact, as in many cases, it worsened. What started out as verbal and physical abuse, continued with sexual, financial, emotional abuse added in. Bringing our daughter into the world changed me, as it does so many other mothers in the world. I began to view myself, my responsibilities and my role in life a little differently. I’ll never forget the day I decided to end our marriage. (Yes, it was my decision.) There had been a massive argument which resulted in a physical altercation and leaving me in tears sitting on the steps of our townhome. I had uncovered infidelity and the burn of such discovery ached in every morsel of my body. My daughter was 1 yr old at the time. I remember realizing that if I was ever going to teach her self worth and to do better, I had to show her by example. I had to implement boundaries and stick to them. I would never allow another man to hit me. It was riveting turning point in my life I’ll never forget. Even still, upon the dissolution of our marriage, there were so many sad feelings and thoughts. Gone were the dreams of raising my child in a wholesome union with her father. I felt like such a failure in so many ways. My promises to God, and my husband, had been disintegrated to nothing but meaningless words. There was hopes of a future, trips, plans – so many ideas – shattered. I had now entered into a book of statistics I never wanted to be in. While I knew what I was doing was the right decision, it still felt awful. There was nothing there to celebrate – even being “free” from an abuser and an extremely unhealthy relationship.

Fast forward to 24 years later, I attended a court date on October 5th, 2022. It would be the last for my second divorce, even though my divorce wasn’t finalized. Though it was a divorce that was not my decision or choice, conditions had escalated to a point I wanted as far away from this man as I could get. I literally wanted to forget he existed. Impossible, but still a desire. Even still, I will never forget the deep hurt I witnessed on my young adult children’s faces when they came to me to show me a social media post made by their father’s current paramour. We were all aware of her and she had been present at the court house during all the court proceedings, though she’d never been blatant enough to enter the court room and sit proudly with her affair partner. But the disgusting, inconsiderate and act of posting photos of the “divorce celebration” she had so publicly posted was beyond trashy and uncouth, not to mention a blatant disregard for the feelings of those of us devastatingly affected by this man’s choices. From homemade labels of “divorgasm – the satisfaction you feel from your freshly signed divorce papers” and “divorce – how sweet it is” placed on bags of candy, “smells like freshly signed divorce papers” on a candle, to a “Divorce Done” yard sign proudly displayed in his paramour’s front yard (where he’d been living for the last year) for all the neighbors to see. Throw in for the finale – an organized dinner party with friends and family to celebrate the dissolution of his almost 24 yr marriage. Add in the slight little twisted detail, the divorce wasn’t signed by the judge until October 21, 2022. Apparently the celebration couldn’t wait until it was official.

To each their own, I suppose. Our actions always show who we really are in our hearts and souls. Personally, can’t say she’s one I’d be proud of, but I digress and will save that for another blog on another day. But all of this seriously had me questioning – how does one celebrate such a thing?? You stood before a church, family and God and made vows to a person to love, treasure and cherish them forever. You’re now celebrating that you lied. You lived a lifetime with this person, creating memories after memories. Created a family. Discussed so much future. I think of the tears God weeps every time a marriage goes bad. All while you party and celebrate, making a mockery of a union with a bride you promised to love as God loves the church – and claiming to be a Christian. The pain, trauma and destruction that divorce creates for our children – the generational curses it inflicts. The devastation you cause to another human whom you once loved and would give your life for, you now celebrate being rid from their existence. Please explain to me how this is turned into something to be celebrated.

Years later, and I’m still in total disbelief how someone finds themselves to these depths of low. Suffice it to say, the devil is hard at work in people’s lives and evil is everywhere. It’s a sad state of our society and the decline on the importance and symbolism of what marriage truly means. When does it stop? How do we turn it around? God designed marriage to be a reflection of his marriage to the church. It was meant to be a true blessing between a man and a woman – a sacred covenant. We, as humans, have so bastardized the true purpose and meaning of marriage, and shown such disrespect to God in His creation. We have to do better at teaching and changing the script. It’s way past time we get back to the roots and reverse the growing downward spiral of statistics and destruction in marriages today. And, at the very least, perhaps think before you celebrate – or attend a celebration – of a divorce. Think about what you’re truly doing in God’s eyes.